Lost

I was going through some old photos of Michaela and I. I was remembering memories associated to the photos, but it spun off into more and more memories. Miss her so fucking much - miss us holding hands and snuggling on the couch as we watched Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. I miss the way she would grab my hand and squeeze it 3 times for our code to tell each other that we loved each other. She often did it when my anxiety was loud.

I have personal journals and journal almost daily. Sometimes multiple times day - the entries for the last year have been mostly about how empty I feel. Lost. I said recently feel like I am forgetting my M. Forgetting her was the wrong wording. I think about her every minute of everyday. What I feel like I am forgetting is who we were when she was here. The last year has been lots of me just sitting in the pain of her not being here. In the last 5 years, I have lost my capacity to function in this world like I did before, I have lost friendships and the way I function within my chosen and bio family, and I have definitely lost my identity.

Maybe writing about her and I - our memories together will help me back to not feeling like I am drowning in my grief.  I know all those things I said I lost above will never be the same as they were when she was here. I do know though that I feel her love when I think about our life together and that makes me feel like maybe I can get out of bed today. May or may not post here, but going to try to write more of those memories out. They always make me tear up, but the love - the LOVE just feels so comforting to me when I think of our life together. Might help me function in a different way now without her here, but still with me. Trying to live everyday is so hard, but she told me to not give up. The hardest thing I have ever had to do, but still trying.