Anxiety
All I can think of is the song Anxiety by Doechii that has been popular TikTok.
https://youtu.be/riCP9x31Kuk?si=4e5uHmpYCmknFGMg
On Saturday night, I went with friends to a drag show. It was at a place I had never been before. The event wasn’t a traditional drag show. This was more for those that have an interest in doing drag could try it out. I knew the two people I was going with, in a place I have never been, and a type of event I haven’t ever been to before so as I was getting ready my anxiety started ramping up.
I have always had social anxiety, but it has gotten worse since Michaela died. I isolate myself so much now so that being around people at all is difficult. I am an introvert, but I also like doing things with a close group of friends, but again this has become so much more difficult since Michaela’s death. My close circle of friends all understand this and accept me canceling last minute when my anxiety is too much.
This time I basically forced myself to go and not cancel. I really wanted to go this space as it is our new LGBTQ center. We haven’t had one in our smallish town and about 2 years ago it was opened and I hadn’t been there yet. I knew if I could get to something there once, it would make it easier in the future for other events.
Unfortunately my anxiety would not calm the fuck down. I used all the the tools I use to calm down - I used my fidget spinner ring, I used my phone to kind of block out what was going on around me, I focused just on my friends, I did the 5 things technique and breath work, and with it all I couldn’t calm down. My stomach was getting more and more upset. My head was starting to pound. I felt a migraine coming.
When we left, my friends asked me to come hang out, but I was too exhausted and upset to go after fighting with my anxiety. I got in my car and before I could even reach for my little trash can I keep in my car, I was throwing up - all over myself. It was like my body had been hanging on and as soon as I closed my car door it let go and I crashed hard.
I got myself home and cleaned up and went to bed. I have had people in my life say well just push through it and go when I tell them about my anxiety, but I have to say, this time I probably should have listened to my body and stayed home. It has taken 2 days to recover from that 3 hour outing.
