Haircut

I went to get a haircut today.

A month before Michaela died, we shaved our heads as Michaela was losing so much hair. It was a big thing for Michaela on her journey as a transgender woman. It was a hard decision, but when clumps were just falling out randomly on her as she went about her day it became too hard for her. In solidarity and support of her hard decision and just having cancer general, I shaved my head at the same time.

After she died, when my hair started touching my collar, it became an almost like a trigger. I am not sure I will explain this well, but going to try. My hair was just beyond my shoulders when we shaved our heads. It was like I felt more comfortable with my head shaved as it was a visible sign of my grief and how much everything about me and the world around me was not the same without her. I would look in the mirror and see that visible proof that what I was feeling was real. She died and life sucks without her.

She wasn’t here and all the changes to my life that most people don’t see or understand were real. People seeing my shaved hair and then pixie cut that I have kept it in for the last 5 years showed I wasn’t the same person I was before she died.

Recently, I looked into the mirror and decided I want to try to grow my hair back out to what it looked like when Michaela was alive and we were happy.

My pixie had grown out longer than it has ever been in the last 5 years, it is still short, but is growing and hits about at the bottom of my ear lobs. I went to see my amazing hairstylist. She was Michaela’s and helped Michaela when she first decided she wanted a more feminine cut and to grow her hair longer. Our hairstylist made Michaela feel seen as a woman. It was one of those moments that I feel so privileged to have witnessed. Anyway, I went to my hairstylist, but knew there might be some tears with my decision to start growing my hair out to what it looked like before Michaela had cancer so brought my best friend. She just sat next to me crocheting as the stylist cut and styled my hair. She shaped it in a way that will help with it how it lays as it grows out.

I told my best friend, if I grow it out and it is too much for me, I can always cut it or shave it off again. I know Michaela would be happy with my decision and that is important to me and important to this grief journey.