I miss…

I miss so many things about you everyday. Everyday I miss hearing you laugh. I miss you talking to a client on the phone. I miss seeing you get lost in your work because you were so passionate about helping. I miss coming out to see you playing a video game. I miss you hearing you sing and dance in the kitchen as you make yourself a cup of coffee. I miss your smile as when you look up to see me. I miss the feeling of your hand in mine as we do another road trip for your work. I miss you giving me a hug when I am overstimulated and can’t get my nervous system to calm because your touch always calmed me. I miss when you would reach out to hold me tight in your sleep. I miss you talking to our kitty cats. I miss so many things about you every single day.

But today I miss the best bits of me that disappeared when you died. If I could go back to the version I was before I met you - I wouldn’t. You changed me in all the best possible ways, but even some of those ways disappeared with you. Now I just exist in this world instead of living in it.

I love my found family and the things they do to rally around me - we do things together and those memories are wonderful, but I still feel like a ghost of myself. Every place I go, everything I do, feels like I am missing something and I know it is a combination of missing you from the experience and situation, but it is also I am missing the me that laughed more easily. I miss the me that saw joy more easily. I miss the me that felt things in the moment more easily.

I never knew when you died so much of myself would die with you. I don’t know how to function in the world without you.

I miss all that you were as a person and all I was when you were here.

Miss you, my love