I haven’t been out of the house much this month. My grief and depression are playing off of each other. One of my coping mechanisms is reading. I read to escape my life. I read a ton of books to escape my pain.

Words are powerful and I need them to help me as I grieve.

Is it just always the would have been? “It would have been…” her 52 birthday…our 19th anniversary and so on with each birthday and anniversaries. I will now have a “would have been” life.

I cancelled our cell phone plan and signed up with another company in my name.

My grief and depression make it hard to function in the world so I have no doubt I would be at home even if the additional factors were at play. I stay at home about 95% of daily life.

M always said it felt like the holidays when I started baking. Today made peanut butter blossoms…

I felt like I need to do an apology because I am having a hard time keeping in touch with people.

I am working on scrapbook photos. The 2 photos from below are 2 of about 10 that Michaela took. I am laughing so hard that I was crying so I just laid my head on the table 

When I hear things like the “I identified as a dinosaur..” I get upset because the person has such a lack of empathy.

I have a thing for dates. I remember my first big crush’s birthday to this day, I remember the date I left Ohio to move to Colorado, I remember the date of M’s first email to me,

Did you know you love? Real love? Yes yes I did.

Last nights meltdown came from installing a new router and modem. Michaela and I are big Star Wars fans.

Art journaling my grief

MIchaela and I went beach hopping on this day 7 years ago. It is one of those days that I wished I could have on repeat.

You, the barista, on the other end of the speaker in the drive through knew my name and greeted me before I could even speak that I was picking up my mobile order.

Not crying doesn’t mean not grieving.

We were always mushy and romantic even in everyday simple moments. It is just us. My sisters would sometimes tease us we were so mushy.

Megan Devine’s book, journal/workbook, and website have been extremely helpful in my dealing with the grief of my spouse.

I struggle so much with what she missed out in the here and now. How she didn’t get to finish her transition.

I haven’t done a deep cleaning of my house in almost 2 years. I have been tackling areas now. It has felt good to clean some areas and make them look all sparkly.