For my 50th birthday I was going to get just the word yes. It was just a couple weeks before my birthday that M was diagnosed the first time with cancer.

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook memories. 

This is exactly how it feels. All of it. 

You are going to see that I will use Michaela's name throughout these stories no matter when it happened. Here is why: Michaela was a woman.

I want to thank everyone who made it to the celebration of Michaela’s life last weekend. Thank you to everyone that helped. I couldn’t have done it without you all

This beautiful photo was taken today. This butterfly was flying around the gaming tables and then went to the front of the house greet.

I barely made it to the car after all the congratulations before tears hit. I am sure the people who parked next to me wondered what happened.

It was a rough day for me moving out of the master bedroom. Moving out of it meant another ending.

One of the things I needed to address that I have put off since Michaela died was a clothes hamper that sits in front of that shelving unit.

One day I am crying ugly messy tears where I can’t get out of bed.

I have had so much anger since the year anniversary of Michaela being gone.

I made some simple little bracelets after Michaela chose her new name.

All my sketchbooks and loose pieces of art had mildew and mold on them. I was ready to just throw it all out. Michaela said “absolutely not. This is YOU.”

Today I left the house in a rush. I had several errands before a doctors appointment. In my rush, I forgot my wedding rings.

This weekend I went through all the keys on M’s key ring. It’s clasp is getting old so I replace it before it breaks and I lose keys.

I was talking with my therapist yesterday about this.

It is such a difficult situation to watch your person be in such pain and trying or a better word - wanting to still fight the cancer.

I have photos from these last days with Michaela. They are so hard to look at. She was in so much pain.

Grief hits in these ways I never thought about. You think grief is just a general sadness of losing someone you love. Grief though comes in waves so strong they toss you in the ocean of feelings,

She said she was so glad that Michaela’s last few years of life included board games as they brought so many joyful times around the table with people she cared about. Truly it did.