Art journaling my grief

Art journaling my grief 

Art journaling my grief

When Michaela was first diagnosed, right away she expressed we should get married. I replied, “we have time.” Our focus became cancer. It became our work and life mission. Everyday and every moment was working to fight the cancer. The thought of marriage was buried under it.

I made her a simplistic little book. It had lyrics and little pieces of collage to match the mix-cd.

Every morning, I look at FB memories to see if we tagged each other in a post. It makes me cry most days, but I am hanging on to our memories.

I can’t sleep most nights. I have more bad nights than good. I really can’t say I have had a good night since she has been gone. There is such an emptiness fills our home and in myself.

Took the butterfly Christmas tree down. Tears came of course.

When I first moved in with M, the last couple of episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer were airing.

Everyday there are little moments which bring tears and heartache up. They are unexpected moments.

A new year that she will never be a part of is an unbearable reality.

It was one year ago today that Michaela had her first appointment with Dr. G.

You know those puzzles apps where when you have the right piece it snaps in place automatically and when you don’t it won’t fit. That is how it was for Michaela.

I always feel like I am straddling both sides.

I currently go through our house to purge, reorganize, and pack up things I can’t figure out right now. I have found all sorts of things that bring up emotions and memories. Today’s find was one that reminded me that although the last year was full of the cancer fog, it really started 2017.

I cheered, I cried, I laughed, and my heart was full of joy after reading it.

Every little thing reminds me of you and every little thing makes me feel so alone without you.

Tonight I am sitting in the simple house we shared for 17 years and snow is falling. My love and I had a thing she teased me about many many times. 

I lay in bed and sobbing and screaming because I have a bleeding hole inside me that won’t ever ever heal.