I took gifts to the oncology center today. It was a good thing, but it was whirl wind of emotions and conversations. I was able to hand deliver almost all 20 bags.

Today’s crying moment…voting ballots. Michaela was a big political junkie. She helped empower me to figure out what was best for the world and myself. She was one of the smartest people I knew so had great insight.

Today’s was deciding to put the ironing board into the donate pile. The only time I really have ever used it was for clothes when M had testify in court.

I don’t have voicemails from Michaela. It made me tear up, but then something in the back of my mind made me think I might have voice memos we exchanged on our iPhones.

My emotions are completely overflowing. My sadness is deep and my anger is fierce right now. My love of her is fierce too.

I am pissed tonight. Just filled with anger. Such deep anger. Anger that my love is gone. Anger that we won’t get to share all the moments of life has to offer.

Jada talks about her relationship with Tu’pac. Her Mom mentions that he was changing and having some big changes. It instantly made think of my love.

When I saw them wheel it out of the truck, I had a few choice words for myself about my late night, grief induced, retail therapy purchase

I have noticed a pattern in my life. When my Uncle died years ago, I journaled quite often after, and then it just stopped for a long long time. When I grieved a loss of a friend, I was art journaling daily.

I posted this last year on Facebook right about the time Michaela started to get sick and we didn’t know what was going on. Cancer takes so much from living life in the now.

Journaling my grief out. Trying to be brave. Gave her that ceramic word brave for her pocket during immunotherapy treatments.

Big thanks to Wendy and Maranee for helping me get past a huge grief hurdle today. I had some things to move and then this cart for art supplies that needed put together.

Bittersweet feelings seeing this come up. Michaela and I would have been planning time to go see it.

Days after Michaela died, I started to formulate what I wanted to do for the staff at the oncology. They all played such an important part of our lives the last 7 months of her life. They often went above and beyond to help us find better, easier solutions.

I started this website, because I write every day to process my grief. I wanted a place where I can share these thoughts and experiences.

I can’t tell you when the last time I touched the Canon Rebel camera. It was M’s camera, but I used it every so often.

Grieving in so many ways. Using this journal that reminded me of Michaela for writing out my grief as well as love letters to her which is part of my grief journey too.

Never know when things will remind me of Michaela. She sends me things to show me she is here with me.

grief is like a pebble in my shoe