I don’t want to forget you. I hope my breaking heart can sustain our love and memories.

It has been a month without you. I thought of you today and yesterday.

Last week was paperwork upon paperwork. I was cussing and feeling anger at myself and Michaela for not knowing enough about the actual paperwork end of her business.

It is the last card I gave her. Then I went to my nightstand and pulled out a stack of cards I intended to give her.

Michaela and I used to play board games when we were first together, but what happened is a common story. Ugly competitiveness and our love for each other reared up against each other.

The first of each month since that month Michaela would wish me “Happy Anniversary.”

I am feeling mad at all the things you won’t get to do. I won’t get to do with you.

My list today…

Every morning I will wake up without you next to me

Every night I will go to bed and not be able to snuggle in next to you under the covers

How can I be here without you? How does a world exist without you in it? I won’t see your shadow next to me. I won’t see your smile as you turn to me, I won’t see YOU again.

M came out to me as transgender in 2016. Although I wasn’t told until then, I had always known unconsciously from the moment we met. M felt like a woman trapped in a male body.

Little things are sending me into a state of overwhelming sadness. I know she has only been gone 24 hours, but I am numb most of the time at the moment.

I strive to be open, and authentic in my life, but I feel we all have layers that no one gets to see. When things are such a struggle, I tend to go quiet, and hide under the blankets in bed

This week will go down as a bad one. Hard to find positives sometimes. Some positives are the fact: "hey I'm still breathing, can still walking, able to talk and do some things.

Life really changed for us in 2020. Whether it was facing a new life-changing diagnosis or dealing with the COVID-19 virus.

M and I were pretty much doing self isolation, before all this too, but of course this brings it to a new level.

It resonates on those days when one has the big “c” because there are days like that. When the pain, fatigue and other symptoms just seem to gradually dim the soul.

We are doing one or two appointments a week last week and the next which is better than four days a week.

The growths on the liver have shrunk. The spleen not yet. No new growths. All blood numbers are still improving.