No Hugs

I met someone new to me this past week. My dear friend introduces us and as she is headed out of the room the new person asks, “are you a hugger?” I automatically said, “yes” and as we are hugging, my dear friend turns around and says, “no, you aren’t.” I replied and meant what I said - I trusted my dear friend so could hug this new person because of how much my friend likes and trusts them. However, my dear friend was correct. My internal dialogue was, “hey bitch, thanks for calling me out.” Which was expressed in two tones simultaneously - one was a sassy silly tone and the other was soft because she knows me and wants me to not mask my authenticity. It made me feel seen and loved. I misspoke when asked if I was a hugger as technically I am not a hugger. I want hugs sometimes, and there are people whose hugs I feel comfortable giving and receiving, but overall I am not a touchy feely person and won’t go out of my way to hug. Thanks for calling me out, J and loving me as I am.

I am surprised how much I don’t mask now that Michaela isn’t here. It isn’t because I masked around Michaela, but because Michaela made me feel safer interacting with people around me. She was my rock and touch stone when my anxiety was high, and when my personality quirks were feeling out of control so she made it easier for me to mask. It might sound like that was a bad thing, but it did help me function in the world easier. I used to automatically hug people, but now without my safe person, it is harder to hug people. It takes me longer to recover when I mask now. Michaela soothed the parts of me that were sore after having to interact with the world around me. Everyday it grows more difficult for me to interact with people and the world around me and honestly I can’t mask anymore. It takes too much out of me.