I was standing up about to walk to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, but as soon as the commercial started, I turned and yelled “Fuck you” at the TV. The commercial that started playing was for DaVinci medical robots.

Every little thing reminds me of her this morning. Honestly every day is like this, but going to use this morning to explain it. Sunday mornings were usually chill days with M.

Recently I started listening to a podcast called Rewatcher. It is about the popular late 90’s tv series Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I loved that series and hadn’t watched it in years so with the podcast discussing it

Today would have been my love’s 53 birthday. I have a candle burning for her. I didn’t know what I would do to celebrate her and the 50 years she lived here

I have a spot on the counter where objects that I don’t know what to do with end up. Right now I have a big bowl that captures smaller things, but some objects that end up there

On the road I travel to get home, there is a field. Several times a year they harvest the field to make the big round hay bales. Every time I see them I think of Michaela.

Michaela had a double major in college. History and political science. I voted before I met her, but I only voted for major elections and on topics that were important to me personally.

I don’t think anyone can be prepared to lose someone they love. I think we know everyone dies eventually

It is so weird when things feel like now is the time. I have emotions with those things still, but up until this moment in time I hadn’t been able to face the emotions.

Michaela liked adventures. We would chase storms so she could get lightening photographs, get up at 3am so we could travel a couple hours to see the sun rise over a waterfall

I haven’t dusted the shrine table or anything on it since Christmas. I haven’t been able to touch it.

Grief is not something I will ever get over. It is lodged in me like something heavy creating a deep unhealing wound

It really seems like I should have a tag hanging around my neck saying “Out of Order.” I don’t feel like I have been a fully functioning adult since M died.

Grief is like an earthquake. It really is - my whole world falling and breaking apart. I bend over to pick pieces off the floor and whatever it was before - isn’t even recognizable now.

Art journaling helps me process my feelings around my grief.

I haven’t been out of the house much this month. My grief and depression are playing off of each other. One of my coping mechanisms is reading. I read to escape my life. I read a ton of books to escape my pain.

Words are powerful and I need them to help me as I grieve.